Where Have I Been?

Some days, I don’t feel like I’ve been allowing myself to be present in the world. This observation clicked
for me during the early days of the pandemic, when I spent many days at home avoiding people.

While society views the pandemic over, I find myself still lurking in the shadows. Yet so many aspects of my inner and outer world has shifted, that I truly don’t think it will be possible to return to a version of myself that no longer exists.
I used to, for a solid year, post on my blog/website regularly. And then that ‘umph’ went away. I stopped caring about updating the world, when I felt like I was stifling myself in a box. And there’s days like today where leaving that boxed pattern is difficult to embrace. Like breaking a negative and blocked habit. For
the past three years, I have found that by leaving online posts half writen, I’d never get them posted. Or when I stop sharing for months at a time, I lose any momentum with sharing my art. And here I am at 11 p.m. on a Saturday (September 8th), handwriting this blog post. on a long legal pad paper.

Over the past ten years blogging the last five have taught me that I write best by longhand traditional style. Now, when I was single, I found it difficult
to go back and type my work, and share them online. I even tried using my Apple Pencil and iPad to save time and energy, but I kept finding technology frustrating. Now, my boyfriend types it for me. 🙂 There’s been a few times when I’ve made a post like this, claiming I’ll return on a regular basis. And hopefully this
time, I mean it and can begin to feel comfortable sharing words and media again.

Hey, if you forgot who I am, this is the time to reintroduce myself. Texas born and an Oklahoma transplant, I’m on another break from university as I get caught up on bills, health, and life. I live with my
little family and enjoy the small things in my daily life. I write all sorts of topics and would love to have you here in this sacred space!
Trusting my intuition hasn’t always been easy. There’s these thoughts that flow through my brain, reminding me that I hardly trust myself. Why? I have this negative habit of getting my own way. For example, let’s say I have a paper due in 4 months. When will I turn it in? Probably not until two months after it is due. Or, when I set myself up to be on a good schedule for work – and I oversleep or wake up riddled with anxiety that I have to call out. So trusting myself reminds me to recognize when I am getting in mown way. But what is this motive, then? It is, briefly, a way to self- sabotage. A way for me to just be oppressed, what my heart desires and what I want deep within me – security, success. Mastery of my negative habits. This process of trusting my intuition will take time. And hey, maybe I am now ready to work out these things within myself. But, what do I fix first? Trust or intuition? I understand that by fixing one I can slightly repair the other. It has been several months since I’ve read a self-help book.

Currently, I am reading a daily devotional, Simple Abundance and whlie this is more for my spiritual andcreative soul, there’s a little reignitiving spark ahead of me. This little flame can help me navigate the trust I wish to rebuild within myself and the intuition I recognize needs some cleansing. Maybe between now and when this is shared online, I might have some ideas to try out. I know that foods you eat or drinks can impact your gut health, which can impact the overall balance of your body. 🙂 For now, I will improve on these three things:

1. More filtered water! – while the summer is ending, I want to begin to rehydrate to level out from sugary
   drinks.
2. 10 minutes outside – going outside even on the patio 10 minutes will help me regain a sense of .. for
   when I go on walks again!
3. Small momentum – taking small steps towards my goals and intentions will make a big difference in my
   self-esteem.

---

• Bluesky
• Facebook
• LinkedIn